THOSE TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE

Six years ago, I passed my school and stepped into the new journey of my life. I was with no plans for my career, for my future. What I was feeling that time, “Oh man, I am grown up now...No more school homework...No restrictions”.

 I wasn’t aware that this is my most crucial time of life. I don’t know where to go, what to choose for my best future. I had only one thing in my mind,”MBBS”. I thought it’s easy to clear pre-medical entrance exam, my parents also trusted me as I was good in academics. I had no guide, no path, no plans and I decided to drop my year without thinking a bit that if I won’t get selected then what? I decided to prepare for the exam from the top institute of India,” ALLEN, KOTA”. My dad agreed with my decision and I got admission. I thought study for PMT is as easy as school study. But in real it was not, it was totally different from my whole school study. You have to forget all the school concepts and reboot your brain with new concepts and facts. The competition was very high, every year thousands of student from the different state come to Allen for their dreams. Everyone wanted to be a doctor, iitian, including me. I have never asked myself what I really want to be, what things make me happy? I only want to be a doctor because I thought being a doctor is a success and this is the only way you can serve people. My teachers, parents had never told me what success is? I had no other reason to be a doctor. I know I want to be doctor consciously not subconsciously. I had the dream without plans and most important without self-belief. Deep down I believe I can’t clear my exam, I can’t solve numerical, how can I be a doctor. And all this inferior complex, self-doubt leads to my failure, I tried but it was of no worth and in the result, I got a failure. I was fighting with myself internally. This is the condition which no other people could understand. Result out, people were all focused on my result and what next, as always happen, people, parents, friends started scolding me, giving their point of views, no one asked what’s wrong with, what is the thing that was stopping you? I believed what people are saying is true; I am not capable of anything, my self-esteem dropping down with every day of self-criticism. What I did I dropped one more year of my life as I felt low, I felt I have no options left, I can’t be successful if I am not a doctor which again leads to failure.

What I now realized no matter what you do you first have to be sure internally,” Am I ready for it?” People have no other work, they are constantly focusing on your lives when you are working for your dreams, and they are ready with their words in their mind for your failure as well as success. They don’t know how much their words could affect someone’s mental status. But you know what is more poisonous than people’s words, is self-criticism. Sounds inside your head make you kill yourselves, you can’t get rid of your sounds, and you just want to run away. One can stand of his failure, no matter what others are saying but his own brain sounds make him paralyzed. Self- criticism leads to mental paralysis. I suffered from all these situations and I can understand much better what it feels like to be. The main goal of writing this article is not to tell you about my worst 2 years but to get determine for self-transformation. Promising myself not to feel the same what I had felt in the past, what I still feel even after 6 years. I am going to share my transformation journey experience after one month i.e. on 10 sep 2018.

Do you ever face such a situation? When are you going for self-transformation?